LIFE DISCOVERED ON MARS!
Scientists monitoring the progress of the Mars Explorer have recently made an astonishing discovery on the surface of the red planet. "It's the first hard evidence to date that supports the theory that there may have once been life on Mars," states project director Lars Anderson. Mr. Anderson is referring to a rock formation that bears a striking resemblance to a building. Cryptic letters can be seen on one wall of the ancient edifice, and a team of linguistic analysts is studying the strange markings to determine if they are due to natural causes or if they may have been formed by intelligent beings. "One thing is certain," states communication team leader Oscar Reubenstein. "If this really is a building, it will change forever the way we think about our solar system and reality in general."
EXPLORATION
OF MARS PROVEN A HOAX!
by Owen Blickensderfer
Shock and rage swept the nation after the recent confession by NASA scientists
concerning alleged falsification of scientific
data. "What we have here amounts to nothing short of a brazen and defiant
act of deceit!" declared U.S. Senator William Blakeney. "Funding
for any further NASA projects is now suspended until the leadership of this
agency can get its ship in
order."
Reporters have been flocking to Mott, North Dakota in droves ever since
investigators uncovered an ingenious plot to funnel
government money into the pockets of NASA personnel. For several months
American citizens have been duped into believing that two complex and costly
machines have been roving across the surface of Mars, taking photos and
mapping the terrain. In reality, the explorers have been wandering around,
taking pictures in a pasture of a rancher who lives near Mott. Technicians
simply added some red color to the photos, digitally "erased"
cows and birds from the pictures and added a whole lot of rocks to the photo
before entering them into NASA's data bank. The cost of filming a pasture
near the North Dakota badlands proved much cheaper than taking pictures
of Mars. The two technicians who perpetuated the illusion simply pocketed
the extra money. It is still a mystery how the two men could divert a rocket
from its intended flight path to a town in North Dakota without the knowledge
of the rest of the agency.
The clever scheme unraveled when one of the explorers got its command signals
crossed with a cell phone conversation and
ended up in downtown Mott. The two technicians responsible for the hoax
were scrambling to alter photos of buildings and people when the scheme
was discovered. They accidentally missed one photo of the Mott post office.
When a co-worker from another department saw the picture of a building in
the middle of the mars-scape, the elaborate plan began to unravel. "The
rest is history" as they say. It took scientists only two days to determine
that the building was not really on Mars.
"Yeah, they really had us going for awhile there," chuckles Duane
Cleary, head of archive database control at NASA. "At first we thought,
Hey! Look at that rock! It looks just like a post office! After a day of
thorough examination, someone said, 'No way man. That IS a post office!'"
Roger Bates, spokesman for the Flat Earth Society says, "we knew it
wasn't true all along."
Bill Revousky and Transon Denhoff are now in custody and have confessed
to the colossal deception and misuse of funds. "It
is only seven million dollars," said a non repentant Mr. Revousky.
"The government would never miss a small amount like that
with all the bloated waste that goes on."
News reporters from all over the globe have been examining the pasture of
local Mott rancher Bud Mavis. "It really does look like the Mars landscape
that they publicized so widely the past months," says New York Times
reporter JillDailey. "You just have to shoo the buffalo out of the
way, put a lot of rocks in the picture and look at it through red sunglasses."
Federal authorities decided to drop all charges when they discovered that
the local man knew nothing about the ruse.
"Shucks," says Bud. "I thought it was just some kid on a
fancy six-wheeler."
Local Rancher
Bud Mavis by his pasture near Mott
Positive comments from the reporters concerning this small, friendly town
have been flowing from the pens and microphones
of the various reporters. "I just love this place," commented
one of the camera crew members. "The air is clean, the town is
neat and tidy and there is lots of peace and quiet if you stay away from
the big tractors on the highways during planting season."
Local
sheriff Terry Marigny confiscated the errant explorer earlier this week
and is holding it in the basement of his home. "This thing has three
days of parking tickets under its windshield wiper and nobody gets it back
until the thirty-dollar parking fine is paid," says Sheriff Marigny.
NASA officials are petitioning congress for the additional funds so that
they can return the errant explorer to its laboratory in Cape Canaveral.
